Kaoru Kamiya found herself on a stage--which was odd, to say the least, considering she had stage fright and the only thing that could get her up on any platform to perform was a death threat.
The footlights emanating from beneath her glowed red, and oddly enough, there were scantily clad women dancing to Celine Dion’s "My Heart Will Go On" which was playing in the background.
There was no one in the audience, which made the theater bigger than it already seemed.
The women were beginning to get undressed, like strippers, and somehow, they had gotten hold of poles, which made their little ballet a lot more "interpretative" and a lot less artistic.
Kaoru couldn’t tell exactly what was going on, but whatever it was, she had no idea why Leonardo di Caprio was suddenly standing at the edge of the stage, as if he was going to jump.
"Er…Jack! What’re you doing?" Kaoru asked.
Leonardo apparently understood Japanese, because he looked at her over his shoulder and said, "I’m the king of the world!"
Somehow, it didn’t sound as right hearing it in Japanese.
Kaoru scratched her head as Ms. Dion belted the spectacularly high notes of her legendary song, and at the very crest of her vocal awesomeness, His Majesty of the World, Leonardo, jumped off the stage and into a roaring sea. The stage began to rock, like a ship on water, and the dancers fell into the water, drowning with smiles on their faces.
"What the hell is going on?!" Kaoru cried to no one in particular. She was alone now, sliding back and forth as the water drenched the stage and swayed in the stormy wind.
All of a sudden, Enishi appeared in a pink tutu, making ridiculous pirouettes in his skin-tight leggings. The cup placed on his you-know-what looked outrageously large, so much so that it seemed to be what was holding the tutu up around his waist.
It was the weirdest thing. Enishi, her fiancé, solemn, passionate, dark haired, insisted on wearing out-of-date John Lennon dark-glasses, was jumping and scissoring his legs like a salamander in convulsions. He hated ballet, and anything he considers girlie stuff. He thinks that guys with a "sensitive side" were dorks who are just using another avenue to get into a girl’s pants. Admittedly, she found this macho-perception attractive, to an extent…
None of this was making any sense, but at this point, with the wind and water buffeting her, his appearance was cause for little concern.
Kaoru sputtered as a splash of water hit her at every turn while Enishi apparently stayed dry. "E-Enishi," she gagged. "HELP!"
She felt him grab her wrist, pulling her to her feet. She was sopping wet, the water insisting on drenching her, like a bad running joke. Enishi hadn’t a single droplet on him, which was beginning to irritate Kaoru to death.
"Marry me," he said, executing a grand flourish with his arm over and over again and not even looking at her.
He was holding her pretty tight, but she was too flustered to complain about the conditions of this meeting.
"What are you talking about?" She responded, sputtering on the salt water as it hit her face. "You’ve already asked! And I’ve already told you yes!"
Enishi seemed too much into his backstrokes to pay much attention to her.
Kaoru growled and pulled at her hair. "Could you PLEASE stop that!"
"Umm…no," he said, letting her go and leaping away.
She fell on her behind and the water just kept coming. "Hey! Don’t leave me here!!"
Beyond the stage, she could make out her good friend, Sano, paddling as calmly as he pleased. He didn’t look wet either. His brown, spiky hair insisted on sticking out in all directions. His long legs were awkwardly folded to accommodate himself on his canoe, and he didn’t look too worried by the weather.
"S-Sano!" She called out.
Sano grinned, pressing his "L" shaped fingers to his forehead as he looked at her. "Loser!"
Kaoru frowned. "What the f…hey!"
His younger brother, Yahiko, floated from the sky in a parachute that stayed suspended above Sano’s boat. He was singing some kind of Vienna Boys Choir aria in an angelic voice, inevitably clashing with Celine Dion's diva drone. Suddenly, like a good thirteen-year-old pubescent, his voice broke gratingly, punctuating it with a jubilantly cried out, "Hiya Hag!"
He tossed something to her and when she caught it, she saw that it was a mirror.
Looking at the glass surface, she was horrified to see her face old and witch-like, snarling at her with toothless glee.
"You can't cook for shit!" declared the face.
Kaoru grit her teeth. "WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?" She yelled.
"Kaoru?"
She blinked, jerking up from the table she had slept on at the sound of her name. She was momentarily halted at the sharp stab of stiff muscles emanating from the back of her neck, and she groaned in pain.
The face of Enishi, growing clearer by the second, flashed a frown. "I can't believe you fell asleep," he muttered.
Kaoru stared at him. Of course he was no longer in a tutu. Of course he was wearing a sleek gray business suit, provided by the honorable Giorgio Armani with only a few hundred thousand Yen, made even sleeker by his Ferragamo shoes, Rolex watch and gelled back dark hair.
Of course the whole thing was only a dream, and the only thing that had gotten wet was the lacquered surface of the table, where she had drooled slightly.
She immediately rubbed off the wet-spot with the sleeve of her black coat.
"S-Sorry," she grumbled drowsily. "Late night."
Enishi stared at her in puzzlement. "We went to sleep at nine in the evening. What do you mean you had a late night?"
Kaoru sighed. "You went to sleep at nine. I went to sleep at one."
"Why?"
She rolled her eyes around. "Oh fer goodness sakes sweety, does it matter?"
He looked as if she had asked a supremely stupid question. "Of course it does. I thought last night went pretty well. All that love-making should've been sufficient to put you to sleep. Did I do something wrong?"
Kaoru's eyes widened, and she looked around her for anyone who might have heard what he said. "Enishi!" She hissed, thankful that the people surrounding them were too busy to eavesdrop. "Pipe down! No, you didn't do anything wrong! What the hell is the matter with you?"
It had been a month since Kaoru moved in with Enishi. She had her own house, with a Dojo even. It was the most valuable thing her father, Koshijirou Kamiya, the brilliant Professor of Literature, left her upon his death. She wasn't poor; far from it. The Kamiyas are a proud, intellectual clan, living comfortably among the elite, Koshijirou having taught for so long in Japan's most distinguished universities. Most of their earnings had flourished through stock dealings, and since she and her father lived within their means, the money almost never ran out. It was through their association with Tokyo's Ivy Leaguers that Kaoru met Enishi. She'd known him for a few years before they actually started dating and now they're engaged.
She was more comfortable in the Kamiya compound, but her millionaire fiancé preferred more modern living quarters, so she moved into his posh, sterilized, millennium-new mansion. The wedding would be in two weeks, and preparations for the Western-style union were underway.
Kaoru could hardly believe that she, a high school teacher, would be marrying such a distinguished man. Yet here she was, engaged to Enishi Yukishiro.
They were in the garden of his estate, overseeing the arrangement of tables and chairs for their engagement party to be held the following day. She had fallen asleep on one of the tables, and now Enishi was obsessing about it because, in his twisted sense of logic, he had equated her sleepless night with poor bedroom performance. Only he could make a brain-dick connection with such hair-splitting precision.
"Kaoru," he began seriously, "I obviously did something wrong last night. What was it?"
Kaoru tried to keep her patience. "Enishi, you were spectacular, alright? Now could we please drop this? People might hear!"
He seemed miffed, like she had put off discussing a stock-option. Trust Enishi to turn a pillow-romp conversation into some kind of business meeting. "You know, I just want everything to be perfect for you, because I want you to be happy. I don't know why you're being such a grouch about it."
She sighed, her heart softening at his words. She rubbed her hand on his arm gently. "You’re right…I’m sorry. But I’m not very comfortable discussing something like that here, where so many people could listen in."
Enishi smiled, running a finger down her face tenderly before chucking her chin. "Of course. We’ll talk about it later."
"Mr. Yukishiro," said a man wearing an intricately embroidered red kimono over his ethereally white suit. His black hair was long and shiny, practically shaming the ebon tresses of Kaoru which she normally took great pride in. He wore make-up, which was odd, since the Little Richard bit went out of fashion when Boy George, Depeche Mode and KISS wore out the look during the eighties. "You simply must tell me whether you prefer roses or lilies for the center pieces."
His name was Hyoko Otowa, a wedding coordinator, and reputably the best in the business, which was why Enishi employed him.
Kaoru noted Enishi’s sniff of distaste before he gave a reply. "Let’s ask the bride, shall we?" he said. "Darling?"
"Roses are pretty and romantic," Kaoru remarked with a wistful sigh.
Hyoko pouted, pulling out a bunch of roses and lilies from nowhere. "Oh, but they’re so out of fashion…"
Kaoru frowned, planting a hand on her hip. What a jerk! And where the heck did he suddenly get those flowers? "Well Boy George, if you say so. I really don’t see why you had to ask us in the first place if you already knew the answer…"
"The lilies will be fine, Mr. Otowa," Enishi interjected before Kaoru completely lost her temper.
Hyoko scampered off happily, flicking his hands to his minions left and right, issuing orders like a regular Prima Dona.
"I swear…he’s the one getting married here…" Kaoru growled. "Not Kaoru Kamiya, but him. Me, I’m just the girl in the wedding gown, because I bet he looks lousy in a dress!"
Enishi smiled slightly. "He’s the best wedding coordinator money could buy, and frankly, it’s good that he barely bothers you about anything."
Kaoru said nothing. She wanted to be bothered. It was her wedding, for goodness sake! She should be with her bridesmaids, Tae and Tsubame, worrying about the smallest detail, like the beads that would be attached to her gown. Instead, she had no choice but to take the advice of a pushy professional whose primary concern was to make the event more beautiful than the bride.
"Darling, your hair," Enishi remarked.
Kaoru touched her head. "What? What’s wrong with it?"
His cheek twitched, and gingerly, he reached out to push back some strands from her face. "Some of it’s come loose…"
This did not put her in a better mood. "L-Leave it alone. It’s supposed to be that way. The casual-easy do."
He looked at her doubtfully but did not press his suit. He did however, continue to glance at her, as if getting himself used to the idea that what he considered a mop, she considered perfectly done.
Kaoru held back a sigh. This definitely called for a trip to her shrink.
* * * *
Dr. Megumi Takani, the toast of the Shrink-Your-Head Society of Tokyo, sat on her rich leather chair. She looked like the empress of her office, suited up like a fashion model in sexy strappy shoes and a tight skirt.
Kaoru had long since learned not to look at the doctor while she lay on the standard issue couch Dr. Takani provided for her patients. Doing so before had only earned Kaoru a constant update in the latest fashions for underwear. She wondered momentarily if any of Dr. Takani’s male patients got more therapy out of their sessions than they deserved.
"Okay, so in this dream," Kaoru continued. "Yahiko the brat calls me a Hag. That’s about the only thing that made sense in the whole episode."
Megumi ran a hand on her porcelain smooth skin and said nothing.
Kaoru looked and saw Megumi flipping her hair, probably admiring her own reflection on the mirrored walls of the large, 15th century European style office.
"Are you listening to me?" Kaoru demanded.
Megumi arched an eyebrow. "Of course, I am. Yahiko is the little brother of that bartender friend of yours, right? Sanosuke Segara."
"Yes," Kaoru replied. "He was thirteen in the dream."
"Sanosuke?"
"No! Yahiko! Could you please stop admiring yourself for one second and pay attention to my problems for once?" Kaoru cried. "I’ve got a crisis here!"
Megumi crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her nose haughtily. "Kaoru, the only problem I see is that you’ve got this thing for liking the thought that you’re all alone. You’re terrified of the fact that your marriage with Enishi will quit making you the victim of your own self-pity."
Kaoru’s jaw dropped. "That’s ridiculous! Who the heck wants to be alone?"
"Greta Garbo?" Megumi suggested.
Kaoru glared at her. "Haha. Very funny."
Megumi chuckled. "The girl had a point, though. When she said…" and at this part Dr. Takani made the classical back-of-the-hand-to-the-forehead pose. "’I vant to be alone!’" punctuating it with a trembling gasp. "She was speaking for all the women of her generation and the generations following," Megumi continued in a normal tone.
"So you’re telling me this is normal," Kaoru concluded.
Megumi gave a half-shrug. "Sure. Sometimes, there just seems to be too many people crowding you in. Time alone is important. You should address that. I take it that this Greta Garbo phase cropped up when you moved in with your fiancé."
"Probably," Kaoru grumbled.
"Well, deal with it. You’re getting married, my little raccoon. That’s the beginning of the end."
Kaoru sat up from the couch in irritation. "I don’t know why I bother coming to you. You’re supposed to make me feel better! Not act like some sort of prophet of doom. I mean, please! I could get that from my friends, thank you very much!"
Megumi scoffed. "Lithium makes you feel better. I just call it the way it is. And for your information, friends would tell you that marriage is some kind of blessed union of soul and crap like that. I, on the other hand, am not your friend. I’m the shrink you pay for truth and therapy."
"I thought those two were mutually exclusive," Kaoru said.
"Pfft! For the doctor’s fees I charge? Puleez! If you want a handy-dandy fix, go find a two-bit doc who’d gladly turn you into a pill popper."
"I can’t believe I’m believing you," muttered Kaoru as she gathered her coat.
Megumi shrugged haughtily. "Over one thousand served. Come by again!"
"You’d love that, wouldn’t you?" Kaoru sneered.
"Of course! I live off basket cases like you. Without you, where would I be? So you see, you loonies are special," Megumi replied, straight-faced. "Has your father been showing up again lately?"
Kaoru thought about it before speaking. "No, but I had this feeling he was standing at the edge of the bed when Enishi was undressing me last night. Daddy might have been wearing a yellow fedora and a purple, Little Richard type suit."
Megumi looked at her like she was crazy, which isn’t, contrary to popular belief, a common phenomenon in psychiatry. "Man, you’re one sick mother fu—"
"I get the point!" Kaoru interrupted. So maybe this last episode was weirder than the previous ones. He’s never made his presence known when she was making love before.
Ever since her father died two years ago, she’s been having visions of him smiling at her and singing "I Feel Good" in Japanese, wearing the most mismatched clothing since Cindy Lauper hit the billboard charts. He usually went for gaudy designs with rhinestones, something Kaoru wouldn’t be caught dead with in her closet.
Megumi said it was the attachment she had with her father, and the fashion-victim angle was a manifestation of Kaoru’s perception as to how special her father was. The doctor had also begun explaining things like the "Electra Complex", but Kaoru would rather not hear about it. There was no definite cure for it, but Megumi told Kaoru to talk to this vision as much as she could, and if he was not amenable to talking, singing and dancing with him would be fine.
So far, Kaoru had only been successful in boogying with him once, when she was alone in Enishi’s apartment.
"You know my number," Megumi said as Kaoru headed out of the office. "Call me."
Kaoru knew she probably would.
* * * *
It was just Kaoru’s luck that as soon as she stepped through Dr. Takani’s door, she was met by someone else she wasn’t ready for.
"Hello there, Tomoe. Fancy meeting you here."
Tomoe Yukishiro, Enishi’s beautiful sister and Queen Bee of Tokyo society, rose gracefully from the waiting room couch and smiled at her. She turned to the receptionist to gravely say, "It was wonderful talking to you, Ms. Habachi. I hope your sister feels better soon."
"Thank you," Ms. Habachi replied.
Kaoru raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"Let’s talk, Kaoru," Tomoe said, beckoning for her to follow with a gloved hand.
Like Jackie O. gloved, Kaoru thought with admiration. There was no doubt about it; Tomoe was the epitome of elegance. With her tastefully selected designer bags to the perfectly stringed pearls she wore around her neck, there was nothing Tomoe couldn't make beautiful.
She wasn't bad by nature, either. Solemn and formal, one could easily mistake her for a cold, unfeeling Yukishiro estate mistress. But Kaoru had seen her softer side: The side that cared for Enishi like a mother would a son, the side that smiled tenderly whenever her second-time-around boyfriend, Akira Kyosato, showed up to kiss her hello, and the side that was actually concerned when Kaoru made trips to the shrink, when nobody was supposed to know.
"How did you know I was here?" Kaoru asked her.
Tomoe smiled plaintively. "Enishi told me something was bothering you, and that you were so quick to excuse yourself from going home with him. I took a wild guess."
I've sunk into the pit of predictability, Kaoru thought with slight horror.
~~Eow! I feel good! You know that I would now. So good! So good! I got you!~~
The ghostly melody of James Brown's "I Feel Good" began filtering through her head, and Kaoru had to shut her eyes tight. "Not now!" She yelled before thinking.
Tomoe gasped. "Good heavens…was it something I said?"
Kaoru opened her eyes and turned to Tomoe in a flurry. "Sorry! So sorry! It's not you. It's me…I've been hearing James Brown songs playing in my head and…"
Tomoe smiled. "Maybe it's because that is what's playing in the pipe-in music of the building."
Kaoru stared at her and realized that the sound really was trailing through her ears. Trust a psychiatric clinic to play such music. She wondered if they would be playing "Happy Days" and "Top of the World" next. A good dose of Lithium Music for the Border-Manic-Depressives in the waiting room.
"Oh…" responded Kaoru weakly. "For a moment there I thought daddy would be waltzing in…"
"I beg your pardon?"
"N-Nothing," said Kaoru. "So, what did you want to talk about with me?"
"Perhaps we could discuss it while you drive," suggested Tomoe. "Enishi tells me it relaxes you."
Kaoru smiled slightly. "It does." There was something infinitely sweet about Enishi noticing it when it hadn't really been made an official fact.
Tomoe fished a cellular phone from her bag and called up her chauffeur. After having instructed him to follow Ms. Kamiya's Honda CRV, they made their way to Kaoru's vehicle.
While Kaoru was buckling herself, she noticed that Tomoe was a bit fidgety.
"Something wrong?" Kaoru asked.
"N-No," Tomoe replied. "Just that…I'm not accustomed to riding up front…"
Kaoru grinned, reaching over to the left of her to yank at Tomoe's belt. The Queen Bee gave a gasp as the cloth hissed against its metal clasp. "Buckle your seatbelts and make sure that your seat is in its upright position."
Starting the engine, Kaoru left the parking lot while the tires screeched on the pavement.
* * * *
"You know what, I'm beginning to feel better already!" Kaoru said, changing lanes sharply.
Tomoe clutched the sides of her seats, praying to God that Kaoru doesn't kill them in her emotional high. "G-Good!" she piped. "Enishi said you've been somewhat distant of late--oh!"
Kaoru cranked her steering wheel to the right and the car swerved as she entered the ramp off the highway.
"I guess so," Kaoru admitted, not at all bothered by the fact that she had frightened half a dozen innocent drivers by her daredevil maneuvering. "I think it's just wedding jitters. But I guess I'll be fine once I have to stop dealing with that Hyoko Otowa."
Tomoe was just glad that the traffic had lessened. Less chances of ramming into another car. Imagine her dismay when a group of elementary school children appeared in the corner.
Kaoru was heading straight for the pedestrian lanes, and Tomoe, possibly the most composed soul in Japan, was seriously considering a schoolgirl scream.
"Oops! Kids crossing!" Kaoru chimed, coming to a loud stop, inches from point zero.
Tomoe was panting quietly because she had forgotten to breathe. The children skipped merrily as they crossed the street.
"Kaoru, are you sure you'll be alright?" Tomoe asked, taking this opportunity to speak before Kaoru's driving began preoccupying her with questions about her mortality again. "Enishi is just worried, and the poor dear just wants everything to be perfect. You know how he gets."
"All too well," Kaoru muttered.
The red pedestrian light flashed and Kaoru placed her car into gear.
Tomoe braced herself. "Kaoru dear…the nearest Starbucks will do nice--oh!"
* * * *
Kaoru had just said her good byes to Tomoe when her cell-phone rang. She answered it on the way to her car. It was Enishi.
"Do you have some psychic connection with your sister?" Was the first thing Kaoru asked.
Enishi chuckled. "I take it you've just been with Tomoe."
"We had coffee," she replied. "What's up?"
"I'm afraid I won't be home early tonight," he said. "Mr. Makoto has requested my presence in his mansion for some chit-chat, and I couldn't say no."
"Let me guess," Kaoru remarked. "Houji Sadoshima will be there."
"I'll be damned if I let that ass-kissing know-it-all convince Shishio that my firm couldn't hack his account," he said, confirming her suspicions.
Enishi owned a Brokerage firm, specializing in the stock market and basically making rich people richer. Which was why he spent a lot of his time getting on the good side of ruthless men, and beating back "broker- wannabes" like Houji Sadoshima.
Kaoru smiled, stepping into her car. "How is the little monster?" she asked. The guy wasn't so bad. He ran a competent finance establishment, but the fact that he was trying to yank one of Enishi's clients from under her fiancé's nose didn't make him seem all that pleasant to her.
Enishi scoffed. "Which one?"
Kaoru laughed. "Enishi, shame on you! Shishio Makoto is one of your most valuable clients!"
"Thanks to my company," he said. "I think he uses all of his dividends to finance his plastic surgery addiction. He got another rhinoplasty."
"How many now?" Kaoru asked.
"This is the third," Enishi replied. "Come to think of it, I've never seen the guy without some part of his body bandaged…"
"Oh, cut him some slack. The guy just doesn't know what to do with his money. A classic case of the Michael Jackson Complex," Kaoru said, buckling herself into her seat after she had closed her car door.
"You know, I couldn't understand that," Enishi said. "I'm filthy rich, but do you see me wasting it on cosmetic surgery?"
"Of course not, honey. You're perfect the way you are," Kaoru told him affectionately.
"Yes, I know," he said seriously. "They're idiots. I'm not."
Kaoru had long gotten used to his flashes of conceit. In fact, she found it amusing. "Then I'll probably see you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow, I'll make it up to you, alright?"
"Aright," said Kaoru. "Take care. Don't drink too much."
"Right," and the line beeped to a close.
Kaoru sighed, tucking away her phone.
She would be alone in that infernally huge mansion again, an otherwise deafening silence marred by her father's James Brown concerto. If he showed up, she knew what she'd say to him.
"Daddy, ever think about changing your repertoire? Because frankly, 'I Feel Good' is starting to make me feel sick to my stomach."
Kaoru leaned her forehead on her steering wheel. She didn't know if she could deal with her wacko visions tonight. She wasn't in the mood, which meant she shouldn't be alone.
Starting her car, she realized that there was only one place to go.
Sekihoutai…here I come.
Author's closing notes: *Gasp!* Kaoru isn't a virgin! *Gasp!* Tomoe's alive! *Gasp!* Enishi and Kaoru are sleeping together! *Gasp!* Megumi's a shrink! *Gasp! (Pant from all the gasping!)* Kaoru and her father are teachers and not shihondai and master respectively! *Gasp! (Seeing stars from too much oxygen!)* Sano and Yahiko are brothers! Well, after all that gasping, I should be passed out at this point, but I'm not. Told you things would be different. More surprises to come in the following chapters, and it makes you wonder just how I'll be characterizing Kenshin, Aoshi, Akira, Misao and all the rest of the gang. You'll see.
