On the night my son was born, I knew that my devotion to life had taken on a new meaning. Where once it seemed so difficult for me to accept that I deserved to love and be loved by Kaoru, surrendering my heart to Kenji, wanting nothing in return, was now so much easier to grasp.
There was a sudden clarity of meaning where my unworthiness seemed so uncompromising before. Where I used to fear rejection in love, it didn't matter with my son. I would love him, whether he accepts me as his father or not. Undeserving as I was of this happiness, I realized that my son did not have to suffer my self-reproach. Kenji does not have to share in my pain, or my past. It isn't necessary, and he will live a life where all is well with him and those around him. I promised him this, and the vow stands, to this day.
It would have been perfect, but as was my wont, as life would have it, nothing had to be simple. Things had to become complicated, like it was a requirement, in order for me to believe that I lived. Perfection would be a dream that I could one day wake up from. Complexity is the essence of existence, and it is real.
I had deemed Kenji so dear to me, so near to my heart, that when I realized, oh when I realized… !
I couldn't touch him, couldn't administer to his childish sorrows; couldn't care for him when he was sick, because my blood in him would grow stronger if I gave it strength. It would draw its power from me, and the inner demons I knew still exists within me would ruin him, as it did I. I would cook, clean, work and live for him, but I must keep him from harm's way. From myself, before it got any worse.
It was my job to pick Kenji up from school. The distance between the reading-school and the Kamiya Dojo posed no difficulty, but I preferred letting Kaoru stay at home to rest from her classes while I saw to our son. This so-called job could hardly be considered a chore. It was one of my simple pleasures. Time alone with my son was always valuable to me, an opportunity where Kenji and I could bond as father and son without okaachan making sure in the background that both of us were behaving. God knows I love my wife, but there are just some activities that a father and son would think delightful but a mother would find horrific, like rolling silly in the dust during a mock-wrestle.
As I happily slipped through the perimeter gates of Kenji's school, I was stopped short in my tracks by a commotion at the center of the yard.
I heard the excited cheering of children, but there was something drastically wrong with the cries of encouragement emanating from the tiny crowd.
I strode over immediately to see what was going on, knowing deep down what I would find.
And there was Kenji, pounding on another boy without form, without technique, and most disturbing of all, without mercy. Kenji's opponent was already bawling for his mommy while curled in a protective ball. My son's blows were landing sharply on the other boy's back, and I could hear the catch of the boy's breath each time Kenji's fist hit him.
I gathered my wits about me and took action. Pushing my way into the arena, I grabbed Kenji by his collar and yanked him firmly from off the poor boy. "Kenji Himura!" I cried, my voice filled with shock. "What is the meaning of this?"
Kenji was breathing hard, and he had not pulled his gaze from his opponent who had scampered to the farthest point of the circle, cowering in fear.
I wasn't sure what I should do and I was about to repeat my question when I saw the school master emerge from the school house led by a distraught little girl whom I know to be Rinako, one of Kenji's playmates. Apparently, she had fetched the teacher, probably to stop the fight.
Arishima-sensei looked grave as he strode down the steps and made his way through the fracas. "What is going on here?" he demanded.
"You take it back," Kenji suddenly said in a tone I have never heard from him before.
My attention swerved back to him and I realized that he was still staring down the other boy.
I saw now that the other boy was Honjo, infamous for being quite the little bully in the Arishima School of Text. Strange that a boy with such a reputation would be cowering in fear under my littler son's gaze.
"Stay away!" Honjo shrieked while he tried to snake within the sanctuary of the spectators. He found no success. Perhaps he had been mean one too many times, for no one seemed to find the compassion to let him through.
"You take it back!" Kenji shouted trying to tear himself from my grasp.
"Kenji, stop it!" I hissed, tightening my grip on his collar. Something akin to fear gripped my belly, and for a second, it was as if I had heard that kind of anger before. It was familiar, but from a faint memory.
Arishima-sensei sighed and went to Honjo. "I'll take care of this one while you see to Kenji, Himura-san. He's your son after all."
I would have echoed Arishima-sensei's sigh myself if I wasn't so disturbed by my own musings. I picked Kenji up on my arms.
Kenji still refused to tear his gaze from Honjo and he squirmed in my embrace to look over my shoulder to maintain visual contact.
"Kenji," I began in a warning tone as I walked us to a corner of the yard. "Enough."
"He said mommy was dishonorable," he told me in a cold voice. "And he said you killed people. I want him to take it back."
I was shocked. "What?"
I realized now just how stupid my response had been. I should have scolded him for paying heed to Honjo. I should have told him that whatever Honjo said was no excuse to engage him in fisticuffs, but I was too struck by the malice of Honjo's taunts as reported by my Kenji to act like a parent.
"He said mommy was dishonorable because she let you live in her house before you were married and that you killed a lot of people before," Kenji said evenly.
Crouching down, I propped Kenji to his feet and looked at him intently. That was when I saw it.
His eyes. His eyes were the color of golden fire. Amber amidst the youthful face.
It was at that moment all my self-loathing, my revulsion for what I had been, surfaced anew.
Immediately, I bundled Kenji against me and headed home, walking so fast that I believe I pushed several people from my path just so they wouldn't hamper my resolve to get from the school to the Kamiya Dojo in as little time as possible.
The moment I arrived at the house I surrendered Kenji into Kaoru's arms, telling her in a rush what had transpired in school and then finishing it off with a despaired, "He had my eyes, Kaoru. He had my eyes! Deal with him for I should not. Please love, lest I do any more harm."
Kenji was half my blood, half of me, and I had poisoned him. He would become what I hated in myself the most, unless I prevented it. My presence was awakening the part of Battousai I had imparted to Kenji by fathering him. The rage of my alter-ego had been so potent that it continued to live on in my son. I will not let it gain strength. I will not let it conquer him, as it did me.
It pained her. Of course it would. It's like her to grieve over my stubbornness, and it's like me to inflict suffering on the ones I loved the most.
Kaoru did not endeavor to force me, because she knew it would be asking far too much. It wasn't just about the physical touch of a father to a son. It was much more than that and she knew it.
It was about having faith. Believing that Kenji could have the strength and wisdom to withstand the awful things I could… have tainted him with. Trusting that whatever happens, he would not become the man that I used to be.
But for the life of me I have not yet grasped that faith. He's too young. Too unprepared. I want him to be his mother's son, to gain her strength, before I dared to test my influence over him. All I have to do right now is provide.
Of course, Kaoru had her ways of dealing with the situation. Her stubbornness rivals my own, and she was never one to let things take its own course.
I reiterate that Kaoru forces nothing on anyone when there was profundity to the issue. Contrary to popular belief, Kaoru's hand is gentler than anyone perceives.
This I know, and as I discovered later on, so does Kenji.
This is the story of how Kaoru sent me on a journey to find her and how, during that journey, she helped me find what I was really looking for.
TO BE CONTINUED
Author's Note: Weird, isn't it? And short. Not my usual fare, but maybe I needed the change.
Definitions:
Oro - Kenshin's exclamation/expression of surprise/shock/confusion.
Sensei - It's a title for "teacher" and "doctor".
Gi - A samurai robe top.
Okaachan - Mommy.
Futon - A mattress laid out of the floor to serve as a bed.
